I’ve trained my monkey to not throw poo around the condo, but I’ve still not been able to break him of his habit of pulling his pud. The other night he was priming his monkey pump so fast and furious that my parrot Flarple took notice and asked me what the deal was. As I tried to explain to him, a few questions came up that I hadn’t ever thought about, one namely was do birds have dicks? Flarple was inquisitive as to the monkey meat appendage that was getting flogged, and I had to go and make a bad joke about Flarple having a pecker, when it hit me….not that I ever looked but Flarples anatomy seemed to resemble a Ken doll in that there wasn’t any evidence of dongage down there. This unfortunate conversation and realization was perplexing enough, but the fact that Flarple started to notice other things like both me and my monkey have nipples was another conversation I wanted to avoid and at this point things were to say the least, awkward. Luckily for me my monkey is a screamer which distracted Flarple enough that I could change the subject, and talk about why it is not a good idea to blow-dry otters.

Teaching new dogs old tricks: how many times have you seen a person give you that fainted smile and in a few seconds, you detect what could only be described as a smell so bad as to make the Pope curse the Virgin Mary? You know it’s what he thinks is an exuberant release and seemingly ubiquitous odor the kind that makes teens seem proud and even exultantly giddy - well this to me is not something I can over-look anymore....I have learned through my many years this needs to be addressed in ways that I couldn't have imagined in my youth, I will no longer suffer in silence and hence-fourth vow to take action by either loudly demasking the insidious wind passer thereby shaming the smiling flatulent offender, or if the mood strikes me, asking him/her to "pull my finger"