Uranus

Dating sites like Match are becoming antediluvian, giving way to ubiquitous apps like tinder-bumble-hinge and even more that cater towards all sorts of cretins. My playground includes both hinge and bumble as it serves for not only serious meetings with like age range women, but because of that feature it also will sometimes bring out my puerile arrested development creative solecism.

For those of you that have a long-term marriage, or are single fishermen and cat women, I'll explain Bumble. Bumble is a great app for humor and yes, some dates that end happy. Bumble allows for the woman to be in the driver’s seat, as she decides if she'll reply to your electronic request to basically meet her in hopes of, from a straight male’s point of view, bumping uglies.

 This very action recently led to, for me some high humor that is still making me laugh. I only wish I could show you the screen-shot of the conversation- Dear Sidney, who is blonde, 53 years old, nice headlights, and lives in Orange County replied to my "swipe right" by asking me this: "what are your top 3 travel destinations?" I couldn't help it as my brain is wired to blurt out crap that is funny, so my answer was:" London, Barcelona and Uranus." Now normally, on these sites that kind of answer can get you banned and the woman on these sites then to be emotionally fragile, so I was thinking I'd ether get reported for being crass, no reply, or she'd lay into me. Sydney kind of half-assed it by replying "Really?!" so I replied with this statement "I understand your surprise at my choice, however if you are willing to overlook the geo-political implications of Brexit, and the somewhat gloomy weather, London is really a very charming place- you know, as the song states "London swings like a pendulum do, Bobbies on bicycles 2 x 2, Westminster Abbey the tower of Big Ben, the rosy red cheeks of the little children" Anyway we should get together for a glass of wine to further discuss the virtues of all that London has to offer.

So, after that reply, I am at this moment waiting for Sydney's reply while laughing my balls off- I'll post any updates- maybe she's going to catfish me? who knows but it could get more entertaining, at least for me.

Cats

Some people think I don’t like cats, I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive Jimmy Choo boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Chad, spilling his Cosmopolitan onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Chad sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Chad to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Chad with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat

Turd Ferguson

Would it be funny to mention that many marathon runners shit their pants during the races?
look I know it is hard to run without having a relaxed sphincter, but eating a bran-laden bowl of oatmeal before the race seems a bit otiose, or meretricious, depending on the desired end result you were going for.
I normally don't like talking politics because...well you know, people in this day and age can't take a joke let alone look at facts and logic to form a reason for a position. But, this climate has brought back the lost art of name-calling as a shaming method. Too bad instead of calling people racist, misogynistic, homophobic, etc etc these prosaic political dolts couldn't be a little more creative.

 I'd like to see more comedic diversity in the name calling.
Bring back phrases like- dicknose, twatface, and dog-fart snarf. If you want to raise voter awareness and bring on a comedic awkwardness in the process, there is nothing like a little creative and inclusive name calling to tilt those scales

protuberant rodent vapor

Five years past a mouse passed wind,
colon from constricted to assuaged,
sweet smell of cheese curdled foul
myopic in the ass-fog
bear witness expelling effluvia
pertinacious rodent, never in life to have a stout beer
map of his insides not a highway,
rather a cheese pellet of the path not taken

London and slamming through the Chunnel to Paris

I recently decided to travel to London, including a day trip to Paris. London as most people know, has some great history that can rival some of US history when looked at through the humor- prism. Electing Harry Baals to office in the US is on par with what I read at the Tower of London regarding the grooms of stool.

The Grooms of Stool were the most intimate of a king’s courtiers responsible for assisting the king in his bodily functions. The physical intimacy required for that role meant that they were thought to be very close to the king, and much confidence was placed by him as they would end up being privy to many royal secrets as a consequence. Over decades the role became more and more important, enough for them to become powerful enough to be involved in setting national financial policies. King Henry VIII had four of them and were his intimate confidants with regards to his personal life, including his thoughts about one of his queens, Anne of Cleves.

In a pub southeast of London I recalled having a conversation with an old bloke who dressed like Rod Stewart and claimed to have been the guitarist for Petula Clarke on the song “Downtown” after he did an impromptu set that included the Eagles “Hotel California” which was a shout out to “his new American” friend, we talked about all the “birds” we have known, and he said these words that still perplex me.

“why is it you never hear a woman say he made love to me in the ass?”

I went to Paris for a day using the high-speed train which travels under the English Channel, through a tunnel- hence they call it a “chunnel” I rather like saying that word, and used it throughout my trip usually using it when talking to women as it seemed to increase the sexual tension, although I have no proof of that because I have to admit I spent the trip sleeping with my hands. Oh well it is fun trying, but the women in Paris will not speak to you in English so other than using the word chunnel and using hand gestures like grabbing my junk it was difficult to connect with them- maybe because they could sense that I had taken a bath within the last month? I will never really know.

I made sure to take in all the sights of both Paris and London- there are a lot of statues of serpents, gargoyles, swine and other weird animals with and without wings, one thing they all seemed to have in common were balls, yes ball-sacks hanging in full bloom for all to take notice. I’m not sure what that says about the European culture but it was an odd quotidian. 

Independence Day

Slipping out and stubbing your boner on her taint, shouldn't be considered an intentional act to enter the butt-hole, rather, it should be viewed as a schadenfreunde moment, akin to catching your ball-sack in a zipper.

Not to suggest that anal sex between a man and a woman is right or wrong, but why is it that you never hear the phrase "He made love to me in the ass?"

Call me an "old softy" although I prefer the term "distinguished gentleman with a flagging erection",
but in the good old days you needed to show a woman great romance and respect before you could even wedge a pinky into the penultimate female ice-hole pleasure pit. these days it seems everyone bleaches their dirty starfish in sybaritic anticipation of a prodigious porcine protuberance entrance without resistance .

So on this independence day, I can say, despite Ben Franklin's historic French bacchanals and groin crushing fetish, the founding fathers never thought to address the state of anal sex because they knew it would always be a choice that tyranny wouldn't dare to regulate.

Footlong

Sometimes obscure news stories are worth writing about.
The one about the high school football coach who put his man sausage in a hot dog bun and showed it to his players, " saying you want to see the big dog"on the face of things isn't all that original (note the movie "Bachelor Party" and "Porky's") and in this day and age not all that "odd".

The ironic and funny stuff is always in the details. Like that fact that he did this while at a "Leadership camp" and like an onion, as the layers are peeled the effluvia flows.

Apparently he was also drinking while being a mentor to under-age lads- now that in itself isn't so bad because if you've ever been involved with high school athletics, and especially men's sports, the reality is that most of these morons will become, at best alcoholic leaches on our collective social safety net, and at worst, they will be figuring out ways to collect bugs in prison to sexually stimulate their prostates. My point? hey he could do a lot worst things than proudly shroud his donnage in soft bread while drinking a few shots.

The story, however doesn't end there. apparently, he was over-heard calling a female student a "puck slut" because she was no ingenue and was known for  being assiduous in her pursuit of the hockey team  players....when asked about the comment, he said " the term was not meant to be inappropriate" To that statement i'd say he is somewhat right, because everyone knows the term for those women is "ice Whores"....but not knowing the correct slang wasn't his only sin.
Apparently, I've gotten so far detached from the "younger athletic crowd" that a new form of hazing is being practiced. Of course the Coach denied know anything about this new hazing term called "juicing" which, the story explained is the practice of several boys ganging up on another player and cramming their fingers into his anus. That description makes for a cacoethes need to go back to school and do the elephant walk with all my buddies.

Do I condone this? of course not, but it is a funny story and seeing that the kids involved, other than maybe the ones that got "juiced" were not really harmed, and really we don't know if they actually enjoyed the juicing, maybe putting up a mock fight to ward off being branded a homosexual, so, I feel there are a lot of things going on that could be worse. Ask Anthony Wiener about shame and dick humor...... now there is a story that couldn't be made up.