Turd Ferguson

Would it be funny to mention that many marathon runners shit their pants during the races?
look I know it is hard to run without having a relaxed sphincter, but eating a bran-laden bowl of oatmeal before the race seems a bit otiose, or meretricious, depending on the desired end result you were going for.
I normally don't like talking politics because...well you know, people in this day and age can't take a joke let alone look at facts and logic to form a reason for a position. But, this climate has brought back the lost art of name-calling as a shaming method. Too bad instead of calling people racist, misogynistic, homophobic, etc etc these prosaic political dolts couldn't be a little more creative.

 I'd like to see more comedic diversity in the name calling.
Bring back phrases like- dicknose, twatface, and dog-fart snarf. If you want to raise voter awareness and bring on a comedic awkwardness in the process, there is nothing like a little creative and inclusive name calling to tilt those scales

protuberant rodent vapor

Five years past a mouse passed wind,
colon from constricted to assuaged,
sweet smell of cheese curdled foul
myopic in the ass-fog
bear witness expelling effluvia
pertinacious rodent, never in life to have a stout beer
map of his insides not a highway,
rather a cheese pellet of the path not taken

London and slamming through the Chunnel to Paris

I recently decided to travel to London, including a day trip to Paris. London as most people know, has some great history that can rival some of US history when looked at through the humor- prism. Electing Harry Baals to office in the US is on par with what I read at the Tower of London regarding the grooms of stool.

The Grooms of Stool were the most intimate of a king’s courtiers responsible for assisting the king in his bodily functions. The physical intimacy required for that role meant that they were thought to be very close to the king, and much confidence was placed by him as they would end up being privy to many royal secrets as a consequence. Over decades the role became more and more important, enough for them to become powerful enough to be involved in setting national financial policies. King Henry VIII had four of them and were his intimate confidants with regards to his personal life, including his thoughts about one of his queens, Anne of Cleves.

In a pub southeast of London I recalled having a conversation with an old bloke who dressed like Rod Stewart and claimed to have been the guitarist for Petula Clarke on the song “Downtown” after he did an impromptu set that included the Eagles “Hotel California” which was a shout out to “his new American” friend, we talked about all the “birds” we have known, and he said these words that still perplex me.

“why is it you never hear a woman say he made love to me in the ass?”

I went to Paris for a day using the high-speed train which travels under the English Channel, through a tunnel- hence they call it a “chunnel” I rather like saying that word, and used it throughout my trip usually using it when talking to women as it seemed to increase the sexual tension, although I have no proof of that because I have to admit I spent the trip sleeping with my hands. Oh well it is fun trying, but the women in Paris will not speak to you in English so other than using the word chunnel and using hand gestures like grabbing my junk it was difficult to connect with them- maybe because they could sense that I had taken a bath within the last month? I will never really know.

I made sure to take in all the sights of both Paris and London- there are a lot of statues of serpents, gargoyles, swine and other weird animals with and without wings, one thing they all seemed to have in common were balls, yes ball-sacks hanging in full bloom for all to take notice. I’m not sure what that says about the European culture but it was an odd quotidian.